Short answer
An engagement (khitbah) is a promise to marry, not a marriage. The couple remain non-mahram, and either side may end it for a good reason, although breaking a promise without cause is disliked. An engagement party is permissible if it is free of haram. Do not propose to someone already engaged to another man.
Khitbah is a promise, not a contract, so it gives no marital rights. Breaking it without reason is makruh as a broken promise. Gifts given during the engagement can be taken back if they still exist, and anything paid as mahr must be returned if the nikah does not happen.
Other madhhabs
- Maliki
- On gifts: if the man breaks off the engagement he cannot take his gifts back; if the woman's side breaks it, they should return them, unless custom says otherwise.
Explanation
The sunnah way is for the man, or his family, to approach the woman's wali and ask for her hand. She is then consulted, since the marriage cannot happen without her agreement. Once both sides agree, the couple are engaged. In some cultures this is marked with a ring, a small gathering or sweets, and these are fine as long as there is no mixing that breaks the rules of modesty, no music that the scholars forbid and no extravagance.
Some points people ask about:
- The engaged couple are not married. Privacy, touching and intimate talk wait for the nikah. See talking to a fiancé.
- Rings. An engagement ring is a cultural custom, not a sunnah. A man may not wear gold, and the fiancé should not put the ring on her hand himself.
- Do not propose over someone else's proposal. If a woman has accepted another man, wait until it is ended.
- Breaking it off. It is allowed for a real reason, such as discovering something about faith or character. Do it kindly, and do not spread the reason.
- Gifts and mahr. In the Hanafi school, gifts can be reclaimed if they still exist, but not if used up. Any money given as mahr is returned.
Many families now hold the nikah at the engagement ceremony and the wedding later. That is perfectly good, and it takes away the problems of a long engagement. Once the nikah is done the couple are fully married, even before moving in together. For the next steps see our nikah guide and walimah.
The evidence
Quran, Surah Al-Baqara 2:235
وَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَيْكُمْ فِيمَا عَرَّضْتُم بِهِۦ مِنْ خِطْبَةِ ٱلنِّسَآءِ أَوْ أَكْنَنتُمْ فِىٓ أَنفُسِكُمْ ۚ عَلِمَ ٱللَّهُ أَنَّكُمْ سَتَذْكُرُونَهُنَّ وَلَٰكِن لَّا تُوَاعِدُوهُنَّ سِرًّا إِلَّآ أَن تَقُولُوا۟ قَوْلًۭا مَّعْرُوفًۭا ۚ وَلَا تَعْزِمُوا۟ عُقْدَةَ ٱلنِّكَاحِ حَتَّىٰ يَبْلُغَ ٱلْكِتَٰبُ أَجَلَهُۥ ۚ وَٱعْلَمُوٓا۟ أَنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَعْلَمُ مَا فِىٓ أَنفُسِكُمْ فَٱحْذَرُوهُ ۚ وَٱعْلَمُوٓا۟ أَنَّ ٱللَّهَ غَفُورٌ حَلِيمٌۭ ﴿٢٣٥﴾
There is no blame upon you for that to which you [indirectly] allude concerning a proposal to women or for what you conceal within yourselves. Allah knows that you will have them in mind. But do not promise them secretly except for saying a proper saying. And do not determine to undertake a marriage contract until the decreed period reaches its end. And know that Allah knows what is within yourselves, so beware of Him. And know that Allah is Forgiving and Forbearing.
The Quran speaks of the proposal as a step before the contract.
Sahih al-Bukhari 5142
Sahih... لا يخطب الرجل على خطبة أخيه ...
"A man should not propose over the proposal of his brother."
Respecting an existing engagement is required.
Sahih Muslim 1421
Sahih... الأيم أحق بنفسها من وليها ...
"A woman without a husband has more right over herself than her guardian."
The woman's own agreement is needed for the match.
Where the ruling is recorded
- Radd al-Muhtar (Ibn Abidin), Kitab al-Nikah, Bab al-Mahr, on gifts sent during engagement. What was sent as mahr is returned; gifts can be taken back if they still exist.
- al-Durr al-Mukhtar, Kitab al-Nikah, opening chapter. Engagement is a promise and does not conclude a nikah.
This answer is pending review by the scholars on our team. Quran translation by Sahih International. Hadith Arabic from the standard editions of the six books and the Muwatta, with gradings as recorded there; the English is our own rendering. Spotted a mistake? Tell us.